Florin Doru Beaver: You harp on moral issues, on various future scenarios but meanwhile you fuck around? Bite my diiiiiick! I didn’t understand—I kept beating her brains out until she told me, “Yes, sir! That guy seemed the ideal man.” I’ll show you his picture! You want a guy, some Demi-God with tricks and schemes? The intellectual type that goes fishing?! Even Achille August—the grandest big shot professor in matters of reinforced prefabricated concrete and whatnot, the kind they make the bridge beams out of—says people who fish just stare at a fishing pole, instead of blowing ‘em up! Bite my dick! [Dogs bark.] He stares at a fishing pole and wait for fish to bite and he gets off when he catches a fish, you understand, and she says that’s the ideal man?! Who gets off when he catches a fish?! You catch fish with dynamite! [Dogs bark.] Oh, bite my dick!
Mihaela Blacksmith: [Whispering] Lower your voice, you’re waking up the dogs.
F: Who?
M: You.
F: You fish them with dynamite, man!
M: Sure, sure, let’s go.
F: Am I right? Sure. If you want to catch fish, eat fish, if you want to hold something in your hand then hold your dick, don’t go fishing!
M: Okay.
F: Really, that’s how it is. When professor Achille August himself, the Dean of the National School of Bridges and Roads, with his famous PhD thesis, Verification Of Granulosity And Degree Of Compaction Of The Layers Of Ballast, Gravel And Stone! the disciple of Anghel Saligny, who is the grandest big shot in Eastern Europe in matters of bridges… How is it possible not to know him?! He built the Cernavoda Bridge, the longest metal bridge in continental Europe in 1895! We Romanian bridge builders are tops, man, bite my dick! Girl, from among the many bridges built in the 20th Century, let us mention only the bridges with two railroad tracks and four-lane highways. One over Borcea, its total length 967.1 meters, another one over the Danube, its length 938.9 meters! We have a tradition, man! Going back to the Romans! Out of the eight famous Roman bridges, five were made during the fights between the Romans and Dacs, in the time of Traian and Domitian. The presence of such a large number of bridges in the region shows the military and economic importance of Dacia for the Roman Empire. The bridge of Liberius Maximus, the bridges of Valens, in Constantiniana Daphne, and in Noviodumum. Romans needed bridges ‘cause all the gold and silver going to Rome. Don’t tell me that crap!
M: Okay, but what did Saligny’s disciple say?
F: My professor? Doctor August? Bite my dick. He said, that the one who stares at a fishing pole is a schizophrenic, man, don’t tell me stupid crap. When he gets a hard on it’s a centimeter long! Man, if you have a one-centimeter dick, you take medicine for that—make it one-meter long, or get on technologies to make it a meter long, but don’t tell me that you’re a fucker, that you fuck the chick with a one-centimeter dick. You don’t go fishing. Bite my dick.
M: Yes.
F: She kept on gossiping about me. Yeah. She asked me straight out, “Have you always loved Mihaela Blacksmith more than me?” “Yes, Ma’am. I’ve always loved her.” Two pictures of you was all I had. An imagination. But you’re the same. You’re exactly what I’ve always wanted! Now, I’ll do exactly what you want me to do. Oh, Florica? She’s not my lover. I just pitied her. What can I tell you, I had pity on her. She works for me. She got hired just because of her father. I had pity on her! Why? Because I had pity on her. Pure and simple I had pity on her nothing-saying person, but absolutely nothing-saying. And she’s blackmailing me now?! How does she dare to blackmail me? She tries to blackmail ME?! Go up your mother’s cunt! Obviously you don’t know who you’re dealing with! You’re trying to play games with ME?! Florin Doru Beaver?! I helped her, and advised her! Why I don’t want to take care of her children? Because she was trying to trap me the same way as my wife. Florica, if you want your husband to get it up, fuck him, man! I know for sure the guy is melting over you. Fuck him, man! [Car vroooooms by.] Don’t drag me into fucking you! I don’t have stuff going on with you. So I fucked you after ten years, I fucked you one time. So what?! Now you pick on me and you blackmail me? ME? That just shows you don’t know shit about the way life works. I feel sorry for you.
You text me this kind of crap? You’re screwing up my vibe?! I told you already, don’t mess with my vibe! She’s rich! She’s got everything, cars, villas, tricks. She’s the daughter of the director of Maramures Bridges and Roads Administration Bureau. What do you think you’re offering me, man? Raise your man’s children? Bite my dick, no way. I won’t raise anyone else’s kids, you understand me? Well, your son, I like him. Why? Because he has your lips, numero uno, and I saw that he has a plan, a trick, an intelligence, a text. Like my children do. [Dogs barking] So let’s be very clear, the children are MINE! They are NOT my ex’s. They might not know it, but they’re mine. And they’ll love you too. They don’t know you, they are upset now, rightly so, but they’ll love you. They’ll love you, YOU! Do you understand? [The dogs howl.] I swear they’ll love you. And that’s it. The same way your son loves you. He’s okay, your son. Absoluuutely okay! We’ll have an okay family. We have to make a girl we’ll name Mihaela. Mihaela Blacksmith will be her name. Not Beaver. Your name will be Mihaela Beaver. Goodbye Blacksmith, the horse has gone. Beaver and Blacksmith. That’s it. [They walk in silence.] Don’t fuck with my vibe. My ex thinks you’re a millionaire, and that’s why I left her for you. And how is that my fault? That you’re standing on your own two feet. Hear, hear, I stand on my two feet too! I’ve stood on my own two feet ever since my father’s dick fucked my mother, so bite my dick! I stood on my two feet even then. I am and I shall beee! I’m not running after chicks and tricks and stuff! I don’t. I’m not interested in chicks and tricks, man. I want quiet. I want peace! Same what Jesus said, man, and Christianity. I know what Christianity is. What Jesus Christ is. I know. And I want to go with you and get married for eternity, even if for now you don’t understand and maybe you don’t know. I know.
Have you seen my co-workers? They’re for real. They’re for real, Mihaela.
M: Sure, sure.
F: They’re for real people. Have you seen Victor? He’s a real man. Have you seen Mona? She’s a real woman. These people I’m convinced that whether I go with you to America as your husband or as a Romanian Bridges and Roads Administration employee, these people will say that I’m a okay guy, and I am! I am for real! You don’t want me?! Bite my dick! [Truck passing by] I’m sure I’ll find someone to bury me. I don’t care. I care about you, if you want me, it’s okay, man, this is who I am. And I recommend you take me for a husband. And I’ll make you happy, be sure of that. [Cars] Utmost happy. Utmost. No tricks. [Cars.] I’m 48. I know exactly what each and every one represents in this world. Don’t nag me I flirt with Marie-Rose or with that wretched Czech woman. Meee? You got me all wrong. [Laughs] The unbelievable nonsense you come up with makes me laugh.
M: So Florica bombarded you with text messages today?
F: She sent me only one message. What?! Florica sends me messages to tell me when am I gonna hand in the bridge repair plans?! Plans I am in charge of. I’m the boss. I have the authority! And I won’t hand in anything. Nothing. Therefore I have no more words to tell her. I helped this woman. I felt sorry for her. I’m not an alcoholic like her husband who can’t get it up. Why I’m not an alcoholic? Because I’m not interested in being an alcoholic. And I don’t go fucking around, rub myself on boys when we go with the boys to the showers in the army, tricks, I don’t go there! Do you understand? I have no tricks with the male community! I just like having friends, you understand? But how should I put it, I’m superior! Why? Do you know why I am superior? To all men?
M: Tell me why are you superior to all men?
F: Because I met you 30 years ago.
M: Therefore what? [Steps]
F: 30 years ago I wanted you.
M: And?
F: I prepared myself theoretically for this world. I studied etiquette, I worked out. You dare try fuck me up with tricks? To me New York represents a minority.
M: A minority?
F: To me the entire earthly globe represents little. Little.
M: Why?
F: Why? Because I found out what is Universality. Because I love you and I’ve always loved you. When I found your website, saw your picture, when I looked you up on the internet, after 30 years, you were exactly how you should have been!
M: Don’t walk too fast, I’m afraid when you get too far ahead.
F: Who?
M: There’re drunk drivers going home from the restaurant.
F: Come on, those guys left the restaurant long ago. They can bite my dick. They have to sober up for the Saint George fair tomorrow.
Bite my dick! I was with a minister, on this very street, six years ago.
M: [They trip.] Oops!
F: I’m not interested in money. I’m not interested in anything! In this world.
M: Could you please stop smoking, so I can take a breath of fresh air, pretty please.
F: No, I don’t want to. I want you to stand there and listen to what I say. That’s all I want. So, I love you.
M: Come closer, please.
F: Don’t be afraid! I won’t even go to New York, on your turf! I’m not interested. I’ll go to Canada, if I go. If I don’t go to Canada, I don’t know where I go. I’ll go near you. I’ll do what you want me to. How should I not come with you? Do you understand me? [He smokes, inhales.]
M: It’s so good outside.
F: Whaaat?
M: I’m happy we’re strolling.
F: I’m so in love with you. I don’t have time. And she blackmailed me, I told you. She’s a stupid cow. Relatively. She’s a schemer. [Dogs, cars, steps.] I’m so in love with you, YOU, MIHAELA. I don’t know if someone else was in love with you, but I tell you, I fell in love with you, pure and simple. I don’t care if you love me or not. I’ve loved you and I’ll always love you for what you represent. For me. I’m misogynistic, that’s all there is to it. They should all go up their mothers’ cunts. I’m not interested in their tricks. I’m not. I’ve showed you. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. I’m a man. Look, do you see the sky? That’s what I’ve always liked here. Look! [They see a shooting star.] Did you see it?
M: Yoooy! [Laughs]
F: Did you see it?????
M: Yes! [Laughs]
F: I saw it too. Did you see it?
M: Yes.
F: Come here. On the lips. [They kiss lightly.] Did you see it?
M: Yes.
F: Have you ever seen one before?
M: No. I’ve never seen a shooting star before... Come this way.
F: Why?
M: It’s better.
F: Alright, you have to follow your own star. You helped your boss more than she deserves. Listen to me. She’s a zero! And she lets you starve? What are you saying, man?! That means she thinks she doesn’t live in a globalized world. The world is globalized. You want me to help you draw a travel budget? I’ll draw it, man. But don’t screw my vibe. Why? Because I studied in school about values. I studied at the UNIVERSITYYYYYY!
M: Alright, let’s go!
F: What let’s go? I’m a university graduate! Do I want to die? Yeah, I want to die, but I want to die when I want it. Oh, that you remembered me as fat and obese kid, and whatnot, it has no significance. It’s all the same to me. I’m a stinky, insensitive, brazen prick. An engineer. If I cast a cubic meter of concrete, I get a hard on. If I reinforce that concrete, I get an orgasm. So leave the tricks aside. [His lighter doesn’t spark.] Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh, little girl! I’ll build a house for you.
F: You have no idea what wonderful people live here.
M: There are wonderful people in America too…
Gradually FDB turns melancholy, doesn’t yell anymore, but walks and waxes philosophical.
F: Truth is… [Quietly.] Which way we go, man? Where are we heading to?
M: Maybe we’ll see another one?
F: What?
M: Shooting star?
F: No, it’s unique. [He leans on his honeyed sweetie pie’s shoulders. Awkward staggering.]
M: [Laughs.] We can’t walk this way.
F: What?
M: We can’t walk this way. Hello, crutch of my old age!
F: What? Tell me what’s up? Am I too heavy for you?
M: Yes!
F: Since when?!
M: Since always. [The dogs bark. FDB smokes silently.] Why aren’t you saying anything?
F: What? Now?
M: Yes.
F: I’m humbled by the Majesty of the Universe. [Silence, steps.]
M: Everybody is inside watching TV. [Silence, steps.] How often do you need to attend to these litigations?
F: What? What litigations?
M: Like today with the land complaints.
F: I don’t have to come. I have my staff I send to solve the situation. I came to show you around. Also to show support to Mona. The Universe is infinite.
M: Aha.
F: Seriously. You can see behind these stars its depth. Do you see its depth?
M: No, but I read there is another planet exactly like the Earth.
F: Man, bite my dick.
M: Why?!
F: I know! I learned it from the Mormon religion! [Slurring.] There is an infiiiinity of planets!
M: With people on them?
F: Yes! [Dogs bark.]
M: No!
F: And on each of them there is a Jesus Christ. Who can also be someone like me, Florin Doru Beaver! And you too, as my wife. [Quiet. Dogs bark.] I can see the future.
M: I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…
F: You? What should you do?
M: Yes…
F: You have two possibilities… two possibilities! To become a fulfilled painter, maybe a dancer, I don’t know… Or a wife… mine… Look here. Look. You will raise our grandchildren.
M: Where?
F: You’ll be a grandmother. And you’ll bury me.
M: Alright. [Dogs holler.]
F: Bridge engineers are in great demand in New York, or in Louisiana, or in Canada, or everywhere. If you want. If you don’t want, we’ll work on plan B, C, D. In which you’ll be the same, and I’ll lie to myself differently.
M: You’ll do what?
F: Lie to myself differently.
M: How will you lie to yourself?
F: Simple! I will love you in my heart. Another possibility would be to go to New Zeeland alone. And I will lie to myself that some day I’ll be with you again, like I’ve always lied to myself.
M: Alright.
F: We’ll have a little girl. We’ll raise her, and I will love you. We’ll get all we need, if we get it right. I will never be a loser! Never! Because you’ll have my name and we’ll dress in white robes…
M: In white robes?!
F: And we’ll get baptized. We’ll go to the temple and you’ll marry me.
M: Alright. In Utah?
F: Yes!
M: Good. [Walk in silence.] But what will they do to us, immerse us in water? [Burps.]
F: Only you. I was dipped already. I will be the one to baptize you.
M: Why?!
F: I will baptize you. [Matches. Cigarette in mouth.] Because I’m a priest like Jesus Christ. Exactly the same rites. I’m a priest. We’ll go to Eternity on other planets.
M: How? In body and spirit?
F: In body.
M: Which one?
F: The one we have.
M: But which one?!
F: Only idealized! You’ll be exact the way you’ll be, I’ll be exactly the way I’ll be, and we will meet with those on the Divine Side as Creation’s Participants. And if it’s not true, we’ll die. But it is true and it will be the same thing.
M: Come closer, please.
F: What?
M: Come closer. [Silence, steps.]
F: Well, you see, I’ve always walked on this kind of path.
M: Path?
F: Yes! In the entire country. I walked in total silence, cars pass by, vrooom!… [Cars.] But I never walked in dangerous areas. Why? I wasn’t interested! To walk the world, to search, to try your luck, to travel, the way you did—you did it without me, I hate that. I’m mean. An engineer with a revolver. I’m an elite marksman. I’m an elite marksman.
M: Meaning?
F: I can aim… A specialist in demolition…
M: In demolition?
F: Yes. If I want to destroy this house, poof. I know how to do it. [Inhales.]
M: How? With a hand grenade? With a Molotov cocktail?
F: With stuff from the grocery store.
M: Really?!
F: Yeah. [Laughs.]
M: For example?
F: What for example? Why are you taking on airs?
M: I’m not taking on airs! You’re taking on airs!
F: I’m telling you. I am an elite marksman and I am an elite fighter.
M: And what?!
F: I’m an elite marksman.
M: Alright.
F: Why?
M: What why?
F: Why?
M: What why?
F: [He kisses her.] That’s what I am.
M: Weasel.
F: [Laughs.] Weasel?! Officer.
M: Alright. [Clearing his throat, silence, she yawns.] Why aren’t you loud anymore? Are we there yet? Are you tired?
F: Me?
M: Yes.
F: I haven’t slept for days… [She yawns. They wobble. He burps. She laughs.] What?
M: Is the Eternity in your belly burping up? Steady, little Beaverman, steady.
It was nice this month traveling together, wasn’t it?
F: Only I told you, I have a thick skin. It happened once that I lost you. I was ready to go take you back, but I wasn’t sure that you loved me. The night watchman said he saw you with another guy.
M: The night watchman?!
F: Yes!
M: What night watchman?!
F: At the high school!
M: But how did the night watchman know me?!
F: He saw you!
M: No. And you believed what a watchman told you?!
F: Then?
M: Yes!
F: Well, you know how people are! You were kissing somebody!
M: Who?!
F: He told me but I didn’t know. I don’t care.
M: Maybe I kissed someone before I was with you!
F: I don’t care.
M: And based on that you didn’t come after me! [Yawns.]
F: I don’t care.
M: Alright.
F: Where are we?
M: We’re almost there, aren’t we?
F: We?
M: Yes.
F: We’re not! [She yawns.] But it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t prepared! You seemed so mature. Now when you told me about your life I understood that actually you weren’t that mature. On the contrary! I knew better than you what one needs to do in this world, but the difference between us was that you were braver than me. I’m more guarded, I have action plans. And not always positive ones. This is true. I figured it out in time. It took me many years to realize that often you have to bluff.
M: Take chances?
F: Yes, but I didn’t know then. Perhaps I don’t even know now. But I do what you ask me to do, even if I don’t believe in what you tell me.
M: But it turned out perfect up to now, didn’t it?
F: Yes.
M: It couldn’t have turned out better, no?
F: Yes. I bank on what you ask me to do, even if it’s bluffing.
M: [Yawns.] Why should it be bluffing?!
F: Yees! You have your style. And you polished it, American style…
M: Bluffing?!
F: I mean tricks with no immediate logic. I knew other people that did the same thing, therefore one plus one doesn’t always make two. I was on two and two has to make two. But lately I apply tricks that don’t make two. [She yawns.] We’ll sleep soon.
M: But what do they make?
F: They make, alright, five, ten.
M: [She laughs.] My dear. My sweetheart.
F: What? I have my New Zeeland alternative.
M: Very well. I’d like to go there too, but just for a visit. [She yawns.] Things are bad in New Zeeland with the natives. Are there natives in New Zeeland? Of course there are.
F: They are real men. Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai. I’m so sorry I didn’t go after you at your parents. [Silence. Yawns. Steps. She laughs. He leans on her.]
M: Let’s crack our spines. [They stand back to back with intertwined arms. She tries to pull him up on her back.]
F: You can’t pull me up!
M: [She laughs.] Have I cracked your spine? It feels better, isn’t it?
F: Who, me?!
M: Yes.
F: I feel good anyway.
M: Alright. I’m just playing with you. [Laughs] There is another planet with an ocean, exactly like our Earth.
F: For sure. I can even show you a Bible verse.
M: Only we are 600 thousand million light years away. [He makes a face.] Why are you making this face?
F: It’s zerooo! [She laughs.] Relative to Eternity, it’s a joke!
M: And poor you, here you struggle with the unpaid salaries.
F: Salaries?!
M: And I struggle there with debt.
F: Salaries? Who’s struggling?! These are just tricks. Don’t think that anyone struggles here. [Small dog barks. A female voice calls, Dixi, Dixi. Barking. Steps.]
M: This street is longer than it seems.
F: What?
M: The street.
F: Did you see the shooting star? Did you?!!!
M: Yes.
F: How fast it was? Did you see it?!!
M: Yes, it was less than a few seconds. If we weren’t looking up just then, we wouldn’t have seen it! It was so quick! Did you see it? Chug! And gone!
F: Listen to me, I knew it would fall!
M: You knew?
F: It’s a matter of feeling!
M: A matter of feeling?!
F: Yes. Well, I took you to Bucharest, I took you everywhere you wanted to go. I honored your whimsy. [Step in silence.]
M: Is this the house?
F: After you.
[He tumbles ahead while they exit.]
Well, here you have it: If you’d like to throw a bit of money my way to keep my endeavors going, and also enable me to spread the money to my various causes, witnessing democracy, freedom of speech and faith, and engineering social change thru art being one of them, I’d be grateful.
New York,
August 3rd 2013
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