Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

9/7/13

Fifty Sons and Daughters: Show Don’t Tell

I’ve written this piece in 2007, part of a cycle called Fifty Sons and Daughters that gathers my college teaching experiences in New Jersey.
English Composition 101 Professor:
Hello students. As I said in our first class, in English Composition 101 I will be teaching you how to write. For those of you who didn’t show up on Tuesday, be it because you were at orientation, or you forgot that school started on Tuesday, January 2, 8 a.m., or you simply couldn’t get out of bed, I inform you that there is no chitchat in this class, no cell phone usage. If you miss class, you get an absence. If you get four absences, sorry, you’ll have to take this class again. Two lates count for one absence. Chit chat, giggles, talk talk talk, disruptive behavior,—Frank the Tank, this term there will be no m&m slinking in the class!—if you interfere with the diligent students’ eagerness to learn and my passion to teach, I’ll ask you to leave the classroom and come back when you are ready to behave like a mature student. And that’ll be one absence right there.
For those of you who have been in my class previously, or those who asked my previous students about me and were told I’m a softie, sorry to disappoint but upon popular demand voiced in the students’ teaching evaluation questionnaire I turned into a dragon lady over the winter holidays. I mean it. In this class, I’ll teach you how to write. That I will.
Now we’ll have a class exercise about showing not telling, about narration and description. When you talk about something, you have to be visual, sensorial. Let me hear, see, smell the person you are talking about. Don’t be abstract, abstract, abstract because I’m gonna fall asleep. That is don’t say, "My mother is uplifting me!" No! Say, “My mom is my sunshine!” Understood?
Great. Now, let’s do a practical exercise in narration. Each of you should ask me a question and I’ll tell you a story. Okay, you first. Your name? Louder so that students can hear it, paste a name to the face. Squenia. Right. Question?
Where do you hail from?
Student, we don’t ask questions about anything else, but what you see. And no inappropriate behavior, or attitudes or smirks or flirtatious looks will be tolerated. Understood? Neither eye rolling nor back talking. If I see any of this, I’ll take you by the hand and walk you across the square to the dean’s office to have an attitude problem fix. Question?
What are you holding in your hand? And why?
My wallet. Because I can’t risk you guys playing some prank on me and vanish it. Though it contains nothing but my train tickets and a driver’s license and one debit card of an empty bank account. I like this wallet. It is small, not like those that have many partitions for credit cards, no, thank you. I messed up my credit history. I also put in its side pocket toothpicks that I finagled from restaurants and paper clips I use when I commute to sort your papers and organize them. This is my son. Handsome child. Like his father. Under his picture, I have the one of his uncle. Here. Handsome. Yes, it’s an old picture. He’s dead now. Alcoholism. In my hometown most people, men, everybody, drink themselves to death. The real horror in Transylvania,—yes, Squenia, I hail from Transylvania,—is not vampirism but alcoholism and its violence. So I covered his picture with my son's. No more past. Here is the promising future.
Question?
Why are you dressed in purple?
It’s a good color and I learned this from a performer who worked at several jobs to make the rent money: during week all she wore was purple, she had purple pants and purple blouses, purple coats and purple boots, so she didn’t lose time with matching her items, whatever she put on, it was purple. Only over the weekend, she dressed in a different color. Next?
Why are you showing us your son’s picture?
Because he is on my mind. He has to study but instead he plays videogames around the clock. I didn’t come here for nothing! He has an internet addiction! Like his uncle! It is scary! He’s almost your age…
We should do an exercise on that! Take out a scrap of paper. This is an audience awareness exercise. Yes. That is you shape your discourse, essay depending on whom you write it for. Now: your cousin or younger sibling has an internet addiction. Write him/her your thoughts. Then, you go and talk to his/her parents. Persuade them it’s a bad thing. No talking. Write, write, write, dear students. I have an example. We did the same exercise in the other class for a kid who watches porn. Wait a minute. [Shuffles thru her folder.] Here it is:
Ronald Calderon: Parents: I believe that it is ok for your son to be watching porn on the base that it is natural for a boy entering puberty to start wanting to experiment or to have sex. I know you did it when you were his age. At least he’s not gay. Boy: It’s ok for you to watch porn because sex is one of the most important things in the world next to breathing and eating. Don’t ever let your parents know you watch porn son, they going to try to knock your hustle son, but when you smash always use a jimmy cap because watching porn you can’t get an infection.”
Gilberto Garcia: “To kidd: was gad lil nigga, yo don’t got cagt if you watch porn, there is nothing wrong with watching it, but you just cant do it anytime. If you do it when your parents is home lock your room and turn the volume down. Imam pass you down my collection you just gotta do it smart. Ok ma lil’ dude. Just do you but be smart about. To parent: Hello Miss ‘I dunno’ I have spoken to your child and he feels embarrassed and ashamed of watching porn. I have personally discarded his video tapes and told him he cant go out for a month. He will go into his room and do his homework and will be a more honest and righteous kid. Miss he is a good boy he was just acting upon peer pressure. His friends told him he was gay for not watching it, I told him it doesn’t matter that its not appropriate to watch it any way. Also, that his friends are the gay ones for feeling insecure and needing to watch porn to feel like men.”
Melissa Aviles:
“Ronnie why do you watch porn for? That’s just nasty. Your too young to be into that when you watch porn that means you really don’t have much respect for women. Don’t become like other men in the world women are just more than a sex toy. Would you like to see your mom, aunt, grandmother, sister, cousin, or one day you may have a daughter would you like her doing porn? I don’t think so. If your really sexual active get yourself a good girlfriend, get married and have all the sex that you want. Now go to your room and think about what I told you without watching porn. Parents: we have a serious problem here with Ronnie watching porn. This shouldn’t be taken lightly. If he keeps it up your going to have to send him to therapy. He really has no respect for women. You really need to monitor him making sure he’s not watching porn. Your son is very sexually active. And you need to be careful that he doesn’t become a sex preditor. Sometimes when a young teenager is into porn like that in the long run they always feind for sex and if they don’t get it they will somehow. So just be very careful with your son.”
Got it? Now to work!
New York
September 7th, 2013
  
 
Well, here you have it: If you’d like to throw a bit of money my way to keep my endeavors going, and also enable me to spread the money to my various causes, witnessing democracy, freedom of speech and faith, and engineering social change thru art being some of them, I’d be grateful.

6/6/13

Fanging My Way Thru America: On Pets And Other Major Revelations

[Mary Kay, 40s, sits at a table in a café. She jots down notes on a piece of paper.] 

I'm writing a letter to the editor of the New York Times, to Senator Hilary Clinton, to President George W. Bush, and to Oprah Winfrey, but I fear I'm incapable of being succinct. I'm overwhelmed by man's inhumanity to man. Why do we relish the self-importance of vicarious power? I am asphyxiated by the carbon monoxide of everyday life. Why can't I make things happen? What is this all about? How can people live without passion? Why is passion scary? I want to tell you about Ivory. Ivory is my white cat. He likes to go out and you have to come and open the door for him, doesn't matter if you are in the middle of something, he comes and fusses until you let him out. Then he comes back in, then he goes out again. It's spring, cats meet, cats meow.
The other day Ivory came back with a huge bite on his shoulder blade. I had to take him to the vet. It cost a fortune.
Every morning I have to grab him by his neck and pry his mouth open and squirt the pink medicine in him. Ivory is fixed. He is fixed for sure because his pee doesn't stink anymore. But tell me, does a fixed cat have feelings? Does a cat love? Not anymore. He got fixed. No more feelings. It's for the cat's benefit. It would be very frustrating for the cat to have feelings and stay cooped up in the house. Plus all the stray cat population would be dreadful. They would starve, they would be sick, they would be everywhere! It's better that way, saves them from unhappiness. What about Ivory's feelings? Does a eunuch have feelings? It's not like the cat had a vasectomy. A vasectomy still lets you have the hots for someone. But does a eunuch have feelings? Chop the thingy and then no more feelings. No more falling in love. Can't you extirpate my feelings too, someone? Just extirpate them. A painful burden. Jealous over this and that cat, unsure if my fur is still appealing, what if he bites me instead of kissing me? Better extirpate it. But do eunuchs have feelings?
Isn't this fascinating? Much more than obsessing about books. No more talk about books, please. I had enough of talking about books and theatre. I mean to write about real people, be useful, for God's sake.
I don't know much about pets; I'm the wrong person to talk about pets. In New York City you have all sorts of dogs. In winter they have coats and shoes on! I want to go away, where it is sunny and warm, and the wind blows and the sea murmurs. A friend invited me to Florida. You don't need to worry about the weather in Florida, always wonderful. Even if it rains you just sit still and the next minute the rain goes away in Florida.
Oh, in Florida they always have to chase the cats away because they scare the birds and people like watching birds. They like watching the parrots. In Florida parrots are wild. Yes, they escaped the cages and now they are wild. Hurricane Andrew pulled away the aviary nets at the zoo and the exotic birds spread all over Florida. People drive around and ask each other, “What kind of bird is that?!” “I don't know, I haven't seen such a bird before,” and then you check on the Internet, it's an African falcon! In Florida!
They often have snakes running away, hidden in the sewers in Florida. A 20-foot boa constrictor ran away and the way they knew about it, was that the cats and dogs in the neighbourhood started to disappear. Luckily no small children were eaten! Also they are full of iguanas, large iguanas 5, 6-foot long iguanas in parks. Alligators and crocodiles too. Since the nuclear plant opened there, alligators and crocodiles found out about it, sent letters to all their relatives to come along, and they gathered around it, clogging all the tunnels. Because of the power plant water-cooling system the water was warm. Alligators don't care about people, but crocodiles, oh, man! They eat you if you swim in the canals. Or you just walk by the water and they snap at you, eat you with shoes, trousers, they don't care. People disappear in Florida.
I'm not so sure I want to go to Florida. Soon they're going to farm insects in Florida. Did you know that? Much cheaper food. They started already in California. They farm grasshoppers and cockroaches in California. In Europe and in Asia they already have on the menu dog and horse meat, but here is a steak and mashed potato country, but soon, we will eat insects, bowls of insects. It's much cheaper to grow a billion grasshoppers than a million cows, and think of it, insects are pure protein. The way things are going nowadays soon we'll be 15 billion people and then we gonna crash, there's no way around it, we gonna be like the Easter Island civilization which just caved in on itself! Just caved in on itself! Exhausted itself, fished the seas, ate the animals, destroyed the vegetation to build statues and now where are they? Gone, they ate each other in the end, that's how is going to be for sure, give it 200 years at the most, and it's going to be back in the caves. Our civilization will crash.
Or maybe the government will say, choose: #1 you either live to be 90 but you'll have no perks, because there is no more social security funds, or live happily until 50, and when you are 50 you go to the hospital and you don't come out of there, but we'll give you the perks. Like what? Like I want a new car every year. Okay, we'll give you a car every year. You'll be very happy. Everything will be taken care of.
Or, #2 children will be injected with a drug that will make them infertile.
Why not fix them? Cut off the thingies. Do they have feelings if they get this injection? No, they have no feelings anymore. Or, the way they know they have developed immunity to the drug is if they fall in love. If they fall in love, then they somehow evaded the system and they can run away and start a new civilization in the Everglades. [Beat.] Maybe Ivory will find a fixed friend.
This is my new book, by the way. My Fixed Friend. This is a good title, don't you think? But before starting on the book, I'd better get that letter in the mail.
[Beat. Thinks hard.] "Dear Senator Clinton…. Dear Hillary Clinton… Dear Mr. President… Dear Mr. Bush… Dear Oprah…"
Sometimes I get carried away…[Blackout.]

2004
New York


Well, here you have it: If you’d like to throw a bit of money my way to keep my endeavors going, and also enable me to spread the money to my various causes, witnessing democracy, freedom of speech and engineering social change thru art being one of them, I’d be grateful.
New York
June 6th, 2013

Rupându-mi un loc în America: Despre animalele de casă şi alte revelaţii majore

Mary Kay, o femeie singuratică, 40, stă la o masă într-o cafenea. Ia notiţe pe un caiet.

Scriu o scrisoare la redactorul şef de la New York Times, senatoarei Hilary Clinton, preşedintelui George W. Bush şi la Oprah Winfrey, dar mă tem că nu sunt capabilă să scriu succint. Sunt covîrşită de lipsa de umanitate a oamenilor către proprii lor semeni. Oare, de ce, de ce ne bălăcim în îngîmfarea puterii noastre insignifiante? Sunt asfixiată de monoxidul de carbon al vieţii de zi cu zi. De ce nu pot să fac schimbări însemnate în viaţa mea? La urma urmei, despre ce e vorba aici? Cum e posibil ca oamenii să trăiască fără pasiune? De ce e pasiunea aşa de înspăimîntătoare? Uite numai la Ivory. Ivory e pisoiul meu alb. Îi place să se ducă afară, aşa ca trebuie să te ridici din fotoliu şi să-i deschizi uşa întruna. Nu contează că eşti ocupată cu ceva, vine şi te sîcîie pînă îi dai drumul afară. Apoi vine înapoi în casă, dar după puţin iar vrea să iasă. E primăvară, pisicile au rendez-vous, pisicile miorlăie în călduri. Acum cîteva zile Ivory a venit acasă cu o muşcătură uriaş pe umăr. A trebuit să-l duc la veterinar. M-a costat o avere. În fiecare dimineaţă trebuie să-l apuc de ceafă, să-i deschid cu forţa boticul încleştat şi să-i vîr medicamentul roz pe gîtlej. Ivory e castrat. Sunt sigură că e castrat pentru că pipicul său nu mai miroase urît. Dar mă întreb dacă un pisoi castrat mai are trăiri sentimentale. Mai poate iubi? Nu mai poate. E castrat. Nu tu sentimente. E pentru binele pisicii. Ar fi tare enervant pentru pisică să aibă sentimente şi să stea închisă în casă. Nemaivorbind de numărul îngrozitor de mare al pisicilor maidaneze. Ar muri de foame, ar fi bolnave, ar fi peste tot! E mult mai bine aşa, le fereşte de nefericire. Dar cum e cu sentimentele lui Ivory? Eunucii, au ei sentimente? Nu e ca şi cum pisoiul a avut o vasectomie. O vasectomie mai îngăduie să fii în calduri pentru cineva. Dar au sentimente eunucii, au ei trăiri sentimentale, sau nu? Taie-i chestia şi gata cu trăirile sentimentale. Gata cu amorezatul. Hei, cineva acolo, nu aţi putea să-mi extirpaţi şi mie sentimentele? Extirpaţi-le pur şi simplu. O povară dureroasă. Geloasă pe pisica asta ori cealaltă, nesigură dacă blana mea e încă atrăgătoare… Doamne, dacă mă muşcă în loc să mă sărute? Cel mai bine, extirpaţi-le. Dar au eunucii sentimente? Nu-i aşa că e fascinant? Mult mai fascinant decît obsesia mea cu cărţile. Vă rog, gata cu pălăvrăgitul despre cărţi. M-am săturat să trăncănim despre cărţi şi teatru. Vreau să scriu despre oameni adevăraţi, pentru Dumnezeu! Ceva folositor! Nu ştiu prea multe despre animale de casă; nu sunt persoana cea mai potrivită să vorbesc despre ele. În New York sunt tot felul de cîini. Iarna sunt îmbrăcaţi cu paltonaşe şi cu botine! Aş vrea sa plec undeva unde e cald şi însorit, unde bate briza şi marea murmură. Un prieten m-a invitat în Florida. Nu trebuie să te îngrijorezi pentru vreme în Florida, e frumoasă întotdeauna. Chiar dacă plouă, stai cuminte şi în minutul următor ploaia se opreşte. Oh, în Florida lumea alungă pisicile pentru că pisicile sperie păsările şi în Florida oamenilor le place să se uite la păsări, în Florida. Le place să se uite la papagali. În Florida, papagalii sunt sălbatici. Da. Au scăpat din colivii şi s-au sălbăticit. Uraganul Andrew a rupt plasele de la zoo şi păsările exotice s-au răspîndit în întreaga Floridă. Lumea merge cu maşina şi se întreabă unul pe altul, „Ce fel de specie e asta?” „Habar n-am. Nu am văzut aşa o pasăre în viaţa mea,” şi apoi te duci pe Internet şi afli: e un vultur african! In Florida! Adeseori şerpi scapă din cuşti şi se ascund în canalele de scurgere, în Florida. Un boa constrictor lung de şapte metri a evadat şi şi-au dat seama unde era după pisicile şi cîinii din cartier care au început să dispară! Noroc că nu a mîncat şi copilaşi! Mai au şi iguane, iguane mari, iguane de doi, trei metri, în parcuri. Şi aligatori şi crocodili. După ce au deschis o uzină nucleară acolo, aligatorii şi crocodilii au aflat despre uzină, au trimis scrisori la întreg familionul îndemnînd rubedeniile să vină, să vină, şi s-au strîns acolo, înfundînd canalele. E raiul pe pămînt pentru că, vezi, sistemul de răcire al uzinei încălzeşte apa. La aligatori nu le pasă de oameni, dar crocodililor, oh, Doamne! Te mănîncă dacă înoţi în canale. Ori dacă numai te plimbi în apropierea apei, te înhaţă, te mănîncă cu pantofi cu tot, cu pantaloni, nu le pasă. Oamenii dispar în Florida. Nu sunt aşa de sigură dacă vreau să merg în Florida. În curînd vor creşte insecte în ferme agricole în Florida. Ai ştiut? E o hrană mult mai ieftină. Au început deja în California. Cresc cosaşi şi gîndaci de bucătărie în California. În Europa şi în Asia au pe meniu carne de cîine, de cal, dar aici e tot bătrîna ţară a fripturilor şi cartofilor piure, dar în curînd vom mînca insecte, castroane de insecte. E mult mai ieftin să creşti un miliard de cosaşi decît un milion de vaci şi, gîndeşte-te puţin, insectele sunt proteină pură. După cum merg lucrurile în zilele de azi, în curînd vom ajunge să fim 15 miliarde de oameni şi ne vom autodistruge, e de neevitat, o să fim ca şi civilizaţia din Insula Paştelui care s-a înăbuşit singură! Pur si simplu s-a autodistrus! S-a epuizat, a golit mările de peşte, a mîncat toate animalele, a distrus vegetaţia ca să construiască statui, şi unde sunt acum? Dispăruţi, s-au mîncat unul pe altul pînă la urmă, asta o să se întîmple şi cu noi, pun pariu, aşteaptă cel mult 200 de ani, şi o să fim iar în peşterile neoliticului. Civilizaţia noastră se va autodistruge! Ori poate guvernul va spune, alege: ori trăiesti pînă la 90, dar nu vei avea beneficii, pentru că nu mai avem fonduri pentru asigurări sociale; ori, trăieşte fericit pînă la 50 de ani, cînd te duci la spital şi nu te mai întorci acasă, şi atunci vei avea toate beneficiile ce-ţi trece prin cap. Cam ce fel? Păi, aş vrea o maşină nouă în fiecare an, se poate? Sigur, îţi dăm o maşină nouă în fiecare an. O să fii foarte fericit. Vom avea grija de absolut tot. Sau, poate, copiii vor fii injectaţi cu un ser care îi va face sterili. Ce-ar fi să-i castrăm? Taie-le jos furtunelele? O să mai aibă trăiri sentimentale dacă sunt sterilizaţi? Nu, nu vor mai avea sentimente de loc. Ori, dacă se îndrăgostesc, o să fie un semn că au devenit imuni la ser. Dacă se îndrăgostesc, atunci cumva vor evada sistemul şi se vor refugia în Everglades, în Florida, şi vor începe o civilizaţie nouă. [Pauză.] Poate că Ivory o să-şi găsească un prieten castrat. Asta o să fie cartea mea următoare, că veni vorba, Prietenul meu castrat. E un titlu bun, nu-i aşa? Dar înainte să mă apuc să scriu cartea, trebuie să termin scrisoarea asta şi s-o pun la poştă. [Pauza. Gîndindu-se adînc.] "Stimată senatoare Clinton... Dragă Hillary Clinton… Dragă d-nule Preşedinte… Dragă d-nule Bush… Dragă Oprah…" Uneori o iau prin bălării…
[Întuneric.]

New York
2004

Anunţ: Dacă doriţi să daţi un pic de bani ca să pot să continui eforturile mele în ritmul actual, şi de asemenea, să pot să răspândesc banii diferitelor mele cauze sociale, aş fi foarte recunoscătoare.

De asemenea, donaţii în natură sunt foarte apreciate. În natură însemnînd consiliere profesională, transcriere cu diacritice, redactare, contribuţii la organizare de evenimente, donaţie de spaţiu, de publicitate, de imprimare de materiale publicitare, de călătorie [Adaugă produse excedentare proprii aici].
Mulţumesc familiei mele pentru sprijinul lor constant.

 New York
 Iunie 6, 2013


4/8/13

On Mixed Couples, The Wisdom of Children and Deliberate Delusions

In 1995 I came to America for the summer trying to make sure that I wanted to come and live here. Since people were extremely friendly, I thought it would be useful to ask the American people questions about how they solved their discrimination problems and maybe write a book to enlighten my people, whoever they are, but mainly for my soul, to understand what we've been through under communism. It was an exciting experiment.
I went home, transcribed some of the interviews, then I moved to America and for the next 10 years, life chewed me up, and spat me out only now.
It is a debt of honor to finalize this work I called "Are We Tooo White To Be Gypsies?". I hope it speaks to you. What you'll read now are snippets from the entire material, still in the works.

Stan Markowitz and Dottye Burt-Markowitz were my hosts in Baltimore.
Dottye is a consultant on racial equity and organizational development and co-founder of Baltimore Racial Justice.
She always listened to whatever I had to say. I confided in her wisdom, because it seemed she had walked ahead of me two decades ago on the same path of events, or trials you may say.

“I suppose everybody asks you how comes that you had been married to a black man. ‘How could you do such a horrible thing, Dottye? I can’t believe it’s you!’”

“Okay... I met Adam’s father in New York City in 1968, where I moved after I spent four years in Texas going to college. One day I was walking down the street, and this African-American man came up to me and just started a conversation with me. At first I was very cold and I didn’t want to be talking to this person, I didn’t even know who he was or what he wanted so I just answered his questions very short, I kept walking.”
“What was he talking about? The weather?”
“Haha! I don’t remember, just all kinds of things! But he was very charming, very flattering and very charismatic. He just kept walking with me, he just couldn’t stop talking. He didn’t do anything else but he just kept walking with me. So finally I agreed to go and get something to eat or whatever, I don’t even remember very clearly everything what happened ‘cause I since repressed everything and made myself forget but... I started seeing him then and we very quickly fell in love and started living together. And... that was probably in...”
“But what was he?”
“He was an artist... yea, and at that time he was not telling at all what he was doing. Probably dealing drugs and selling art and doing a lot of different things to make money. He didn’t have a regular job. So after we lived together for about 8 months or so, I got pregnant with Adam and then we decided we get married, by this time I already divorced my first husband, so we got married shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Then especially after we were married it became clear that he was really... psychotically jealous and paranoid. It’s started being a very very difficult relationship.
“Before Adam was born because we couldn’t afford to have a baby in New York, it just cost so much money, we moved to Buffalo which was where Adam’s father was from and rented a house there and... and about two weeks after Adam was born... our house got on fire... and that was in the middle of winter, in the middle of a very big blizzard so that it was freezing in the house because they had to knock out a wall and knock out windows and everything to stop the fire. So I flew home to Illinois to my parents and stayed there for a while, then went back to Buffalo, and by the time I got back... things got really really bad, and it was clear that he was... he was just getting worse and worse. He didn’t want to speak to anyone, he was constantly accusing me of being interested in other men, interested in his sons ‘cause he had sons from a previous marriage in Buffalo, just total crazy accusations. And I left him when Adam was about 4 or 5 months old. We went back to Illinois. Then he came to live together for the rest of that year, and things just got even worse and he was obviously very very psychotic at this point, he was like telling me that he’s getting messages from the TV and... making this very veiled threats about killing me.
“So on January first, on Adam’s first birth day, I pretended - and I had been waiting, I knew I had to leave, and I knew I was in danger and Adam was in danger, so for that two months I had been watching for an opportunity to escape. But he was so good at detecting when he thought I might make a move that it was never possible and then on New Year’s day, I said I’m going to the grocery. I had arranged everything ahead of time. I had a friend who had an apartment in Saint Louis and I explained to him what was going on and he said you can use this apartment - he was a co-worker. I went there first for about maybe a week and then I went to my brother’s house, he lived in Indiana which was a few hundred miles away... I didn’t let anyone else know where I was, so that he couldn’t find out and I spent I don’t know how long at my brother’s, weeks, until he finally gave up trying to find me and went back to New York. So that was the last time I ever saw him. When Adam was one year old, so that’s 24 years.”
“Do you have papers saying he died?“
“No, but I’m sure he has died by now, because he was already so... I mean a lot of his psychosis may had been psychological but it also had mixed in the signs of alcoholism and the kind of psychosis that comes with advanced alcoholism. I don’t think he could have lived that many more years. When Adam tried to find him, we checked in... there is a place you can go to research death certificates by name and they said, no you have to know when the person died hahaha, so that was no help, because we had no idea what date to tell them so... we couldn’t find anything.”
“By that time intermarriage was accepted?”
“Well, no. There were laws in many states against mixed race marriages, until the sixties. It was just a few years after the supreme court had declared those laws unconstitutional so it was still a taboo thing to marry across race. Except that we lived in New York City, and New York is very different from most of the rest of the country. There were a lot of mixed couples, and you weren’t seen as so much of an outsider or alienated as much in New York. Especially where we lived which was close to the Village, where a lot of people who were different for different reasons lived. So we didn’t have a lot of problems around being a mixed couple there at all. When I moved down to Illinois and I was raising Adam by myself, people there were much less accepting, and much more shocked to see a white woman with a mixed child. Very few people would actually come up and say something. Sometimes that would happen, maybe young people. I remember a girl coming one time and close up looking at Adam, looking at me and saying ‘Is he yours?!’ But that didn’t happen very often. Usually people would stare and they would look disapproving or they would look curious or puzzled or whatever... A lot of times, especially if I actually met the person when Adam was with me and indulged in some conversation, so that they had some sense of me as person, they would kind of twist things and their perception, they would decide in their own mind that Adam must be something else. They would ask me if he was Italian or if he was Spanish, anything but black, anything that African-American. It happened a lot that people would assume that he was some other nationality other than African-American. Because at that time his hair was still with loose curls it wasn’t so tight as it is now. When he was young he could have been a lot of different things so people would, they would project on him what they wanted him to be, because they didn’t want to accept that he was half African-American. So that was the most frequently experience.”
“How you reacted when he experienced racism? We live in Hungary now and when I drop Alex to kindergarten we speak in Romanian. A child one day asked us what weird language did we speak, because we should speak Hungarian! My adrenaline went high as I was trying to protect Alexander, and I was about to attack and maul that Hungarian kid, like a beast. I told him, ‘My child speaks three languages because he's a smart child and I speak four, can you do the same?!’ I hated his parents, thinking about the nationalistic comments they made in front of their four year old child. I felt insecure, ‘Oh, my God, I have to go, I have to leave this country, I don’t want my baby to be here!’ ”
“But where to go...haha!”
“I don’t know how to solve this because I might do more damage to him than those kids do to him, because I lose control. I don’t know what might come out of my mouth. What did you do?
“It’s very hard because there’s no way not to have these feelings. It’s outrageous, it’s so unjust that people would treat a child that way and have these attitudes. I think there’s no way to not have these feelings. And sometimes I think it’s not the worst thing to just let somebody know bluntly how you feel about what they said. But a lot of times people are just very unaware. They’ve not had any experience, they‘ve been taught certain things. I really learned a lot more from Adam about how to deal with these things after he was older than I have figured it out myself, because he was much more tolerant of white people who’d grown up being taught racism. He would go by his gut feeling about the person. ’Is this a person I can talk to? Who’s open, who’s basically a decent person but all they know at this point is what they’ve been taught and what their experiences have been?’ If he felt it was that kind of person, he would be very patient even if they made very racist, ignorant comments. He would just answer back or ask them questions to make them think and look at their own thought processes and believes, and think about whether what they’ve been taught was really matching the reality that they were learning about. If it was a person who is not interested in learning or changing or growing, that they were more interested in hanging on to their prejudices and attitudes then he would mostly just reject them like: ’This person’s not worth wasting my time on. Why should I even bother and waste my energy trying to show them how stupid they are because they don’t want to learn anything.’ He would very early when he would meet someone make that judgment, and then decide whether to try to relate to that person and try to engage them in looking at the racism or to either reject them, ignore them or tell them off. Just tell them very bluntly what he thought. So, I’ve learned a lot from him about doing that.
"In a way Adam was pretty sheltered from very blatant racist experiences, because we lived in small university towns where his school mates and their parents were professors and there were children of all different races from different countries, so all the children  were used to people being different.
"Once he got into school, there were not a lot of incidents that I was aware of. And part of the reason I didn’t know a lot of times about when things did happen to him, is he started very early protecting me... I guess very early on he saw how upset I would get when people were prejudiced against him or against me because I was a white woman who had this sexual relationship with a black man. And he started hiding from me when racist things would happen to him. We talked about this over the years and he told me that he often didn’t tell me things that happened when he was in school, or playing out, because he knew it would upset me. So I think it’s important to figure out a way to deal with the racism that comes from other people in a way that says it’s okay for us to talk about this. ‘cause I regret that Adam felt like he had to protect me. Is this making sense?”
“Yes, yes.
But me I lose control, I fear I could be violent!”
“Yeah, yeah”
“Also my ex-husband was Romanian, but I live now in Hungary, and we talk both languages... and always comes the question ‘Was your husband Hungarian or Romanian?’ They have prejudice against Romanians, and when I say ‘Romanian’ then oh, you know, their reaction is that I’m inferior to them because I married a Romanian! I want to strangle them! Whatever reaction they have it’s not the right one, because why do they ask at all?!”
“Oh, yeah right! The only thing worst than a black person is a white woman who would marry a black person. That's the attitude here, in those times especially. To be considered lower than someone who’s black was to be willing to marry or go to bed with someone who’s black. Especially for a woman. For a white man it was okay as long as he didn’t marry because he was exploiting the woman, but for a white woman to go to bed with a black man lowered her lower than anybody else. That’s the way people thought about it... So it was definitely not only racism against Adam. I grew up in one of the most racist cities in the country where people were very overt about their racism and they discussed these things all the time, so I knew exactly what people were thinking when they saw me with Adam and they knew that he was half black.”
“Another thing was that I never could be in a relationship with a Hungarian man afterwards because they always had this thought of ’How could you!?’”
“Yeah, yeah I went through. For a long time after I left Adam’s father, I only dated black men... For several years. Because I just felt furious to even imagine that a white man was thinking about me and Adam that way. In fact once I dated a white man who was really a crazy person, he was very rich and very sick! Even though we gone out maybe twice he decided he wanted to marry me. And the way he told me this was ’I decided I want to marry you, I’m crazy about you, I really want to marry you, I really want to marry you in spite of the fact that you have this child!‘ Haha, right! ‘That really made me want to marry you!’ hahaha! Can you believe he would say that and think that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him?! But that’s the way those people think. It was ridiculous. It took me a long time to be willing to date white men at all because of that.”
"I dated a black man once, but it was a lot of stress. Things which you never thought before, what are my girl friends thinking of me, or my co-workers, since for sure they’d changed their attitude towards me because I dated a black man, and all this stress made me wonder, 'Does my partner realize how much I care for him?'”
“What did you think?
“I don’t think he realized.”
“Where was he from originally?”
“From Africa. Touring with a British circus as an acrobat. The skinheads beat him up in the subway.”
“I don’t know, I couldn’t even guess how he would think about it, but I think in this country I think an African-American person is completely aware of what a white person is dealing with to be in a sexual relationship with them. But what black people here experiences by virtue of being black it’s so much more profound and all encompassing that I think it’s not any comparison. I could have any moment return to a white world and take advantage of the fact that I’m white and not deal everyday with the things that he had to deal with, that he could never escape from because he’s black. So there’s always a lot of privilege. You can be aware that you have it and use it responsibly but you can’t get rid of it. I can’t say ’well, yes I’m white but I understand about racism, I think it’s bad and I do everything I can to fight against racism, therefore I don’t have white privileges.' No matter how much I give up to do some of the things I do I always have the choice of using my white privilege if I want to or if I need to. It’s a big difference between what a white person, whatever the relationship is with a black person, whether it’s in marriage or friendship or whatever, there’s always a way in which what I sacrifice or the price I pay is less than or it’s a different kind of price and there’s elements of choice in it that a person who is black, doesn’t have. I think my friends who  I work with understand a lot of things that I have to deal with are very problematic and very difficult, I think they appreciate it, but I don’t expect them to be terribly grateful to me for doing it, because I still benefited more from being white than I ever had to give up for being active against racism.”
“I work with Gypsy groups. What I found very difficult was to be accepted by them. My idea was that I tried to help the whole ethnic group... But I was working with individuals, sometimes I had the feeling that I became a scapegoat for all the wrongs they got along centuries from the whites.”
“When you’re a member of the dominant culture and you’re working with either a group or individuals who are part of a group that has been oppressed and discriminated against and devalued by this dominant culture, it’s such a problematic thing to build healthy relationships. There’s generations of history working against it. When I meet an African-American person for the first time, there’s no way I don’t carry with me my whiteness. Everything they’ve experienced of racism it’s attached to that whiteness, it doesn’t make any difference how hard I worked myself, how much I fight against racism and the fact that I have a child who is half African-American, none of those things really make any difference in that moment, in that place.
“The only thing that really matters is what happens between me and those people from that time on, and I can only expect initially that based on their experience they will not trust me, they will be ready for me, even if for a while I seem like a true ally and I seem not racist, they will be ready for me to change and to show that after all I really do harbor some racist believes or I really don’t see black people as intelligent or worthwhile of, that I really do think I am superior. They expect that sooner or later that will come out. And in a way that’s really unfair to me, but it’s the reality. And it’s not only realistic for black people to make those assumptions or to have those expectations of me, but it would be stupid of them not to. Because their very livelihood, their job, their status in this place and sometimes their very life depends on their being prepared for those kinds of things to happen, and to not trust me.
“So it’s very very complex and all I can do is to try to be myself, be aware and sensitive to the racial dynamics in the situation and to not try to patronize or pacify or condescend or be untrue to myself in a situation, but to try to be in that balance between being sensitive but also being honest. And it’s very hard... The longer I know someone, and we had a chance to work together and they’ve had a chance to test me in different situations, then the closer we get to a place where there is some real trust. But I would say that, with all of the black people that I’ve worked with and been in organizations with and have friendships with, that the number of people who I would expect to have a really a true deep level of trust with me in the way that my white friends do, is very, very, very small... Because it’s so much to overcome  these daily thoughts of racism on black people in this country. It’s expecting a lot to expect them to trust me.
“What becomes really important is being honest and clear about things. When I work with an organization I try to make sure that we discuss very clear am I doing this strictly as a volunteer, am I going to be paid and how much, so that there’s not an opportunity for me to feel like I’ve been taken advantage of, or for them to feel like I came in here presenting myself one way and then I turned it around and expect something else. I’m really in it for myself and not because of them.
"And is also this whole element of wanting to help people who have been oppressed which is probably the trickiest thing of all, because there’s a whole history of 'missionary' approach to things, of this attitude of ‘Oh, these poor people! I want to help them! I can help them because I know how to do things, I know what they need.' There’s this attitude of wanting to help from people who come with the attitude ’I can help because I’m really superior. And I can help them because I know better than they do, I can give them things!' and no understanding of why would a person do that, what do they getting out of it. When I’m working with other white people who are doing anti-racism work or social service work or whatever, one of the things that I really look for is what is the understanding of why they are doing this. And if they have this missionary attitude like ‘Oh, I’m here to save these people because they can’t of course save themselves because they’re so inferior,' then I see that as very dangerous.
"I’m doing this because it’s important to me, not because I have some special abilities to save someone from a situation that they’re not capable of saving themselves from. For me it’s important to be in a society where there isn’t this injustice of racism that’s existed in this country from the beginning and I want to work with the people who’ve been oppressed by that system because I don’t want to live in it either. The whole history of this missionary complex also complicates things because people also don’t know what my motivation is when I’m in a new place and I might be one of these people who’s coming to save somebody, because I think I’m so special and capable of doing it, haha!”
“Maybe this is where things went wrong. But I came to work with them not feeling superior or missionary but because I have computer skills, language skills and I wanted them to put it to good use! Of course there were beautiful moments but overall they patronized me and pushed me around. Gradually I was turned into a broom. Pretentious airs. I was dealing with ‘alpha males’!”
“Oh, yea, that gets very complicated, because it’s not just racism, but there’s sexism, and those two get mixed together in these very odd ways. ‘cause I‘d experienced that kind of thing too in working with a black man who has a very sexist attitude towards women. All women, whether they are black or white or whoever. And he's in a relationship with me where I’m part of the dominant culture on race but he is part of the dominant culture on gender and he’s acting out those attitudes. Because I’m a woman, whatever I say can be ignored, or it has to be said by a man first before it’s credible.
"That’s part of what I’m saying you still have to be yourself, you can’t have these attitudes and I think this is hard especially in stages when people go through a lot of feelings of guilt and shame. There is a tendency to just accept unfairness toward yourself because you think ‘oh, I’m white and white people have done such terrible things! I can’t stand up to this person.' And that’s terrible too, because then you are really saying this person has to be treated in this special way like a child because they’re not capable of working with me person to person. And you’re working out of guilt rather than a real relationship and that’s very hard. Because people who’ve been discriminated and oppressed learned lots of ways to cope with it, and one of the ways is to manipulate people who feel guilty, haha! And some people are very very good at that.
“To me it’s a constant struggle of examining because there is always a new level of my own uncovering of racist attitudes and beliefs that I still have somewhere, and always finding new ways that things have been taught to me, and that I’ve incorporated, that I was not aware of before, so I have to be willing to keep looking at that, but not allow someone to manipulate me because I’m white and they can use this guilt thing on me. So at the same time that I have to admit that I am capable of doing something racist, so I have to be able to listen to somebody accuse me of that, I also have to be able to examine whether I believe it’s true or not, and to say that person if I honestly believe ‘No, I was not being racist, this was an interaction between us,' or ‘I did this for reasons that had nothing to do with racist believes and attitudes.’ I have to able to say that too. It’s a very challenging thing to be in. It’s also very exciting and rewarding ‘cause you’re really having to grow and change and become a better person all the time because you have to face these things, haha! So to me it’s a very worthwhile struggle, but it’s a struggle. It’s definitely a struggle.”
“I’ve asked today a lawyer what he thinks about the affirmative action being cut off, ‘Very good’ he said. ‘Why?’ ‘Because, you know, the minorities were allowed to catch-up and now it’s enough with the catching up, now they have to compete.”
“Yeah... It’s amazing because people who had been to college, are supposed to be able to analyze information and make sense of it. How can they say this in spite of the fact that any measure you look at, things are worse now than they ever were. If you look at the average income, blacks compared to whites, if you look at health indices, infant mortality rate all of those things are getting worse, not better. So for an intelligent person to say ‘they’ve caught up!’ it’s mind baffling! Are you so stupid that you can’t look at these facts?! And understand there’s not been a catching up. What there’s been is some African-Americans and other minorities have been allowed to move into the upper middle class, so you can point to people who were doing better on an individual basis, but on the society basis you can’t point to any facts that say that there’s been any catching up or any equality. These people enrage me, because what does their degree mean when they can’t think anymore clearly than that? It means nothing. It means they buy the propaganda and the lies and they have no ability to think for themselves. Because they benefit. They benefit. They’re not being for the affirmative action. They’ll be much better off. They won’t have to compete with the skilled intelligent black person or Latino person or woman - the woman seemed to be forgotten in a lot of this too... So it’s worse than hypocrisy, it’s a deliberate delusion...”
Well, here you have it: If you’d like to throw a bit of money my way to keep my endeavors going, and also enable me to spread the money to my various causes, speaking up against racism being one of them, I’d be grateful.


Thanks go to my family for their quiet support.
 
April 8th, 2013
New York

 

4/6/13

On History, Race and Sexuality, Purple Toenails and All

In 1995 I came to America for the summer trying to make sure that I wanted to come and live here. Since people were extremely friendly, I thought it would be useful to ask the American people questions about how they solved their discrimination problems and maybe write a book to enlighten my people, whoever they are, but mainly for my soul, to understand what we've been through under communism. It was an exciting experiment.
I went home, transcribed some of the interviews, then I moved to America and for the next 10 years, life chewed me up, and spat me out only now.
It is a debt of honor to finalize this work I called "Are We Tooo White To Be Gypsies?". I hope it speaks to you. What you'll read now are snippets from the entire material, still in the works.


Stan Markowitz and Dottye Burt-Markowitz were my hosts in Baltimore.

Stan
is a white Professor of American History, African American History and American Indian History at Community College of Baltimore County and social activist.

“My consciousness was being raised by the civil rights movement. I grew up in Newark, New Jersey which had a large black population, so I knew about segregation, about the tensions between blacks and whites. My parents were like most Americans racist in some ways. My father especially, thought black people inferior. My mother was not so much so.”
“How did they react when you started to be interested in civil rights? Or they didn’t know about it?”
“My father didn’t really understand it. We never talked about it, because we would argue. But I got into arguments with many people in my family. I had an uncle who was very prejudiced and who told me that he would move out of his house if a black family moved into his neighborhood. That he didn’t want black people there, they were lazy, they were dirty, they didn’t pay their bills, the schools would go down. We had very big fights and arguments to the point that we stopped speaking to one another. And there were one or two friends who I stopped speaking because we were argue about this, because they did not believe in civil rights.
“When I went back to college and then to graduate school, that had helped me see how much discrimination there was in this country and how terrible and unfair it was. It had made me understand the injustice of racism in a way that I had not as I grew up, because I had no one to tell me these things. Everybody who I grew up with had the same values basically and that was that black people were inferior to white people. So, I don’t know if I’m answering your question?”
“Yes - yes - yes.”
“In America a lot of Jewish people were involved in civil rights movement, probably a bigger proportion than of other people from other communities. I think that was because many Jews like myself understood in some way what it meant to be an outsider, what it meant to be viewed in a negative way just because I was Jewish. It didn’t matter what I was like, it didn’t matter what I did, for some people the fact that I was Jewish made me different and made them critical of me. I think that also contributed to my feeling that I wanted to do something to make black people free in this country, to have real integration and real equality.”
“Those are some of the things that helped me to decide that I wanted to be a teacher. In part because I wanted to teach history in a way that was different in the way I learned it. I wanted to teach values about community. I mean I hadn’t thought all of this out at that time, but I know that I was getting a real understanding that United States was not the democracy I had always been taught it was, that there’re many problems, and the black - white problem was the most obvious to me then, and to most people.
“Also, it just occurs to me, I think that growing up Jewish. Because even though when I talk about my experience as a Jew, and my feelings about it - they may be somehow different then other people than you talked to, we can talk about that later - I was very aware that there was anti-semitism in this country. I was very aware that being a Jew made me an outsider. I knew how other people in the working class community that I grew up in, Italians, and Irish and other people, other children, would say negative things about Jews. About Jews being cheep, and Jews being Christ killers and... Even though I had friends who were not Jewish and who seemed to accept me, I would discover in different ways that there were a lot of negative attitudes about Jews. Even when I moved to Newark where I lived from the time I was 14  and went to a high-school that was about 90% Jewish. My family moved to an area where the majority were Jewish. It was a very different experience for me, all of a sudden to be in a place where mostly people who I went to school with and be my friends were Jewish. But in many ways I still understood and could see and experience the anti-Semitism.
*
“I was surprised to find out that students - even in some of the classes at Howard where they had black teachers - didn’t talk about some of the same issues that I raised... and one of them was black sexuality and attitudes towards sexuality but also that one of the worst aspects of racism was that the standards of beauty in American society are white standards. So in order to be considered beautiful you have to have a European nose which is viewed as an English nose, narrow, and your lips have to be narrow, high cheek bones, blond hair and blue eyes. And I think it was the first time when I realized how awful an impact it must have on people to live in a society where they can never meet those standards, because their features, their hair texture, their skin color are unacceptable as ideals of beauty.
“After one class, when we talked about some of these things, a black male student came up to me and his eyes were full of tears and was saying how he found himself attracted to white women and how difficult it was... I don’t know if he saw this as an example of self hatred, but this was as hard for him that he felt guilty about, but he couldn’t help it because all of his life beautiful women, were white women. How painful it was for him to find himself attracted to a standard that black women could never achieve. He had been socialized to think that women who are not like him were the only ones who could be beautiful.
“In seeing how painful this was for him, I understood better than I ever understood before how inhuman racism is - I knew it was inhuman in so many ways - but to make someone like this young man have to experience what he was articulating to me was a terrible thing.
“Many, many black men in this country’s history have been lynched, executed without a trial, without going to jail, or sometimes they got them arrested and whites had broken into jail taken them out, lynched them. Sometimes they’d just taken them and lynched them on the grounds that they had raped white women, or they had made sexual advances to white women, or they had looked in the wrong way at white women. One of the major justifications for segregation, was ‘to protect’ white women from the primitivism of black men, who more than anything else, according to these attitudes, wanted to have sex with white women. That black men desired white women and that that desire was so strong and so primitive that they couldn’t control themselves, because they were primitive and that white women, some white women who had sex with black men will enjoy it because of the passionate and primitive nature of black men.”
“Haha!” All seemed hilarious to me. I imagined white farmers having angry arguments over a beer at the end of the day in bars. “What shall we do?! They rob us of our women’s libidos!”
“It’s not amusing, because it has been so destructive to people’s lives and because as I just said black men were hanged, because whites acted out this insanity, and it wasn’t just insanity. A lot of whites believe this. The fact is that far more black women have been raped by white men in this country. That doesn’t mean just during the slavery period, black women were being raped after abolition as well. If most black people lived in the South until after World War Two, any black men who looked close at a white woman, knew that he was in trouble, so that black men kept their distance from white women. I don’t mean that there were never any instances when black men maybe raped white women, certainly there was rape in the black community, but far more white men raped black women because they could get away with it. So what is as horrible about all this as anything else, is that in fact it was white men who were behaving a lot more like the stereotype the black men. It was the white men who had the opportunity to rape black women and it was certainly as much rape in the white community as it was in the black community, proportionately. Attitudes about sexuality still helped maintain racism. In the American society there are a lot of stereotypes as well. Is that what you were referring to?”
“Yes. But it never crossed their mind that women... that they can fall in love?!”
“No, never love. Thomas Jefferson wrote in the only book he ever wrote - and he was a brilliant man, the most learned man of his time, certainly in this country - wrote that blacks are closer to orangutans. Wrote that blacks are more lustful than whites, wrote that blacks are not capable of love which is a human feeling and a feeling with sensitivity, they’re only capable of lust. This is Thomas Jefferson... And certainly Thomas Jefferson was used as a model by many whites. ‘Thomas Jefferson believes this and that’ reinforces the argument for sure.
“O, Thomas Jefferson! I had a lot of him at school.”
“They teach here Thomas Jefferson too, but they never taught that. As an example I would read pieces of that, and my students at Howard, they never heard anything like that of Thomas Jefferson, you know, I think it’s very hard for black people to hear that Thomas Jefferson literally compares them to animals. But at the same time most people, black and white, have not been taught about Thomas Jefferson, that in addition to writing the Declaration of Independence, which is an extraordinary democratic statement, he had these thoughts also and what do we make of that?! Doesn’t that have to help us understand that these issues are much more complicated then the simplistic kind of stuff that we often outcome in our history... So, it’s powerful stuff. You know we talk about...”
“Why I find it so amusing?”
“Yeah, well I guess...”
“It’ s absurd!!”
“Well, it’s absurd at the very abstract level, but when you actually look at the impact it’s had, it’s no more absurd. Then the attitudes and racism is not unique to this country. These attitudes are prevalent in many parts of the world and they’ve caused tremendous destruction and pain as well as violence. Yea, at one level it is completely absurd how people can believe these things, but people do. Sex, it’s a simplistic statement, sex is a powerful thing in human society. In this country sex has been for a long part of our history very threatening. This is this idea of puritan heritage. That Americans are very, very closed and very inhibited about sex. And when you have a closed inhibited society like Victorian England about sex, you have a lot of perverse stuff going on and a lot of fears and assumptions about sexuality. I think that’s contributed to racism. That this society has a lot of difficulty dealing with sex in general, you kind of integrate that with racism, it becomes a very violent and volatile mix.”
*
“I talked to a journalist, he’s black, and he said ‘Do Gypsies exist? This is an ethnic group? I thought it’s just a derogatory term!’ He said that when you want to say that someone is cheating on you, you have even a word, as you said that ‘to jew’, you have also ‘to gyp’?!”
“Yea, it is the word ‘gyp’, it comes from Gypsy.”
“But how it got here?”
“Well, yes because there have been Gypsy people in this country. Probably some of them came as a result of the Nazis and what was going on in Europe, some were able to escape from Europe maybe in the ‘30s before Hitler started putting Gypsies to death the way he started putting Jews to death. They tended to live in large cities, and they were very easily identifiable, because they dressed in typical Gypsy clothing: bright colors, shawls and big skirts. They didn’t try to assimilate most of them. My parents had a paint wall paper small store in Newark in a black neighborhood and they had a number of customers who were Gypsies. Maybe six or eight Gypsy families that came in. One of those Gypsy families were living in the same area that blacks were living, and so black people knew who Gypsies were, and we knew about Gypsies, because even if they were just a small number of them, they generally tended to live in a community. They did not interact with other people, they were very insular, they stayed with each other, and I don’t know what their attitudes towards blacks were but when they were coming into our store you knew immediately that they were Gypsies because of how they were dressed and the pierced ears and make up and everything. My mother always would say to me ’Okay, Stan, stay over there and watch them. Make sure they don’t steal anything.’ Which she didn’t say about black families coming in. Always when there a Gypsy family came in. And they were very loud and in fact they did try to steal stuff, and they were constantly trying to get things more cheaply than my parents wanted to sell them, and they were always arguing, very much the kind of thing that people say about Jewish people! Yea, and my parents were crazy about that because they would spend two hours on one sell and that would be next to nothing. They would spend more time with this Gypsy family for $10 than they would spend on somebody else who came in and spend $100 and they would spend half an hour! So I grew up with some real stereotypes about Gypsies. But there were Gypsies in New York, there were Gypsies in New Jersey and a lot of large American towns. They tended to live in areas where black people lived.
“One thing about prejudice is that people who are discriminated against, are not always more sensitive to other people who are ’less then them’ in the kind of hierarchy, so I’m not surprised to hear stories about blacks who thought Gypsies were all these terrible things. Many years ago, when my first marriage was ending I was going to a psychologist. She was very informal, and it was the summer. She came in to one of our therapy sessions with sandals and her toe nails were painted purple. Purple nail polish. This upset me. I happen to like nail polish on people’s toes but something about my therapist, who was helping me figure out my life at that time and she was wearing purple painted toenail, bothered me and I couldn’t figure what’s going on there.”
“And she sensed it?”
“No, I didn’t say anything then, I just knew it was bothering me but I didn’t say anything. And in between that meeting and the next meeting I had these dreams about Gypsies, and I went back next time and I said ’you know, I was really upset when you came in with your toenails painted purple!”
“I didn’t know why this was bothering me, I’m a very progressive person, haha! I realized that I associated her and those purple painted toenails with Gypsies! And this was all subconscious level, that somehow this woman who was helping me straighten out my life, was behaving like a Gypsy and it was interesting, it was a lesson for me about how deep some of these stereotypes are. Because all of my experiences as a young person with Gypsies are in my mind negative, because they were always associated with Gypsies coming into the store, trying to steal things, trying to get things cheaply, having my parents very weary of them and having negative things to say about them. Then delivering stuff to their homes... They were always living 10 or 12 people in the small apartment, and there always seemed to be smells that were different than those I was used to, much of them was food. And they were little scary!”
*
“Did you assimilate?”
“Well this kind of gets into the whole issue being Jewish... My mother was a very nationalistic Jew. She identified very strongly with being Jewish, my father never said much about it and I don’t think he particularly did identify strongly. They weren’t very religious, I was bar mitzvahed. Do you know what this is?”
“No.”
“In Jewish tradition when you are 13 you become a man and you accept certain male responsibilities, and it’s one of the biggest Jewish ceremony. My parents generation, and before, 99% of Jewish boys were bar mitzvahed and some families girls called bat mitzvahed, but it’s not considered as nearly important as the bar mitzvahed. Like almost all religions Judaism is very sexist. So I went to Hebrew school, and I studied and I had to do the ceremony. I hated it all but I wasn’t crazy about school at all in those days whether was Hebrew school or regular school...
“So I grew up with certain Jewish traditions, and in a family where my mother really believed that she was better than other people... and ‘Jews are more honest, Jews are smarter, Jews didn’t have as much divorce, Jewish men didn’t drink, Jewish men were hard workers.’ She believed that a Jewish family and the Jewish culture were superior cultures and families. I think since I had a very difficult relationship with my mother, and she was so strongly identified with Jewishness and wanted me to identify with Jewishness, I rebelled against that.
“I don’t know why this was so early in my life, I didn’t like the idea of saying that Jews were better than other people, why was that? That it’s not right to feel that one person is better than another. Maybe I felt some of that because I experienced some feelings of being an outsider and I had experienced some hostility because I was Jewish, and so, it made me feel like I wouldn’t like treat somebody else that way. Or may be primarily just rebellion against my mother, that I was angry at her for some things and so I rejected things that she believed in. But we were pretty Americanized family otherwise, my father spoke perfect English, came here when he was five so he didn’t speak with an accent, my mother was born here, they believed in the values of America, hard work, not just America, but they were law abiding citizens. I was a pretty I guess normal kid, I wanted pretty much what everybody else wanted. And I think it wasn’t till I was considerably older when I started having a lot of political consciousness.”
“Why Dottye said that you have a special position to your Jewishness?“
“I think what Dottye meant is that I don’t identify with being a Jew, I don’t deny it, I don’t rejected, it’s just that’s how I was born. I have no real connection with Jewishness, with Judaism, religiously or culturally and I’m probably very critical of it. I think there is a very strong - because there’s a whole history of hostility towards Jews that goes back millennium not just centuries, by the time of Christ, because Jews were dispersed and didn’t have their own country, they lived in so many other countries and were generally not viewed positively and didn’t have certain opportunities and felt endangered in many of them which is why a lot of them came to United States - there is a real feeling among Jews of sticking together, even if they didn’t live in the same neighborhoods. When you’re a Jew you meet another Jew - there is an immediate connection just because both are Jewish and share a sense of being outsiders and a common heritage.
“I didn’t have that feeling, I didn’t feel like I wanted to be a part of the Jewish community. I wasn’t religious. When I was 13 years old I was bar mitzvahed and for a couple of months I thought ‘well, maybe there is something to this, maybe I should...’ I was going to synagogue or temples on Saturdays, and then the holiest of Jewish holidays, which is called Yom Kippur came and I went to this temple in my neighborhood, and I wanted to worship on Yom Kippur The man at the door asked if my father was a member of the temple, and had he purchased the seat for Yom Kippur, and I said no, he wasn’t a member of the temple, he hadn’t purchased the seat. So he told me I couldn’t go in the temple. And I remember that made a big impression on me, I said ’You mean that because my father hasn’t purchased the ticket in this temple, you’re not gonna let me come in and worship on the most holly day of the Jewish religion?’ I said, ‘I’ll stand in the back, I won’t sit; I’ll just stand in the back of the temple,’ he said ‘can’t come in.’ and I left that temple and I never went back to a temple again. I decided that any religion that required a 13 year old to have his father pay for seat in a temple, before I could go in and worship, on the holiest day of that religion, I didn’t believe in that religion. Now I suspect I was able to make that decision partly because I didn’t have any strong commitment to the religion I had grown up.
“Also by that time I was really already getting some feelings about class differences... The differences money made in life. Because my parents were, my mother in particular, always complaining about how little money we had. She was always worried about not being able to pay the bills. So I don’t know why that happened but it happened and so added to my feeling of non identifying with Jews as a group and not finding Jewish culture particularly having anything appealing to me except food, which I loved, which is basically East European anyway. So I very early in life dramatically disconnected with religion. And most Jews do not, most Jews make that connection with culture, feel the sense of being part of this group, and that the importance of sticking together ‘because there are people out there who are hostile to you, and the society at large, in some cases stopped you from some opportunity because you’re Jewish.’ I never denied being Jewish, if somebody ever asked me, but I didn’t identify with being Jewish.
“As I got older and became more political and more progressive, I basically became agnostic or atheist and just didn’t pay attention to religion at all, I always objected to the notion that there is something superior about Judaism. I haven’t met a religion that I particularly liked.
“I think that while I was happy to see Israel formed - Jews have a place where Jews can go if they wish to go - I think even then, in the early stages, I was concerned about the way in which Israel was created, that it was not a good idea to take the land from one group and give it to another, which is what seems to be the case. Then as Israel evolved I had a much less strong identification with Israel. The vast majority of American Jews are very connected to Israel and I feel don’t really see Israel’s faults because this strong attachment. For me Israel’s racist policies towards Arabs, there is a lot of sense among Israelites that Arabs are inferior, and the fact that Israel seemed to have a policy that... ‘we will allay with anyone who can help us, regardless of who they are, because we’ll never let what happened to us before happen again.’ So Israel allied with South Africa!
Israelis focus tremendously on what happened to Jews before and during WWII - that makes sense given that six million Jews were exterminated because they were Jews. Israel’s policies often seem to be justified on the grounds that Jews will never let what happened before happen again - ‘never again’ is a phrase Jews often use when they defend Israel’s policies. I thought that Israel, and Jews in general, would have a higher kind of humanity because they would look at what happened to them and they would try not to do this kind of thing to anybody else. But at times Israel can justify policies it shouldn’t justify by claiming that the policy is based on what happened to Jews in the past.
"Then Israel had dealings with South Africa the country was dealing with a nation that was similar to Nazi Germany. What happened to Jews in the past should not justify that policy. So it’s disappointing when Israel didn’t seem to have the higher humanity that some other countries. Not that they have a lower humanity, but they just behave like everybody else in many ways.

“And I think that many Jews today have become very reactionary on racist issues, in recent years Jewish have been very opposed to affirmative action in large numbers and...”
*
“Can you talk about black anti-Semitism?”
“Yea. I think it’s a combination of things... As immigrants came to this country each immigrant group assimilated, became more part of the country and was able to be more successful and then another group came in. When the Italians came in a lot of the stores and business that were own by Germans got in their hands, and then the Greeks came in and the Italians were moving out. The immigrant group that was at the bottom just before large numbers of black people began moving up from the South, were the Jews.
“Jews had a lot of the stores and businesses in black community, so I think there was some tension as a result of that. My father and mother had a store, they always hired blacks, but they did not pay them very well. I think he took advantage of them, for the most part he did not have a very high opinion of black workers. I worked with them, I got to know them and actually got to like some. But I know that some of them at least, resented my father, resented the fact that he wasn’t paying them enough, and took advantage... But during the civil rights movement, in the ‘60s there was a lot of positive feeling between the blacks and Jews. Then in the beginning of 1980s, a lot of the most prominent speakers against affirmative action have been Jews and I think that’s alienated blacks.”
“Why are they against it?”
“Because they felt that this would get special treatment to blacks and that might prevent Jews from getting positions... Israel’s policies contributed to anger among many blacks, especially Israel’s alliance with South-Africa. And I think that many black people have the same stereotypes about Jews. They grew up in this society, and they share some of the attitudes towards Jews, that white non-Jews have. And Jews had become a pretty successful community economically in this country, because Jews tend to be more educated then other populations. A larger percentage of Jews go to college, a larger percentage of Jews are professionals, and so Jews had been quite successful, and as they’ve been successful, they’ve grown more out of touch with poor people and working class people.
“Also in the last 15-20 years there’s been a revival of the ideas that there are certain Jews with money who control a lot of things, just like Hitler argued, and that a lot of the wealth and power in the society is in the hands of Jews.
"Any people who have been oppressed are trying to understand why they are oppressed and how they are oppressed. I think for some blacks Jews are seen as one of the sources of their oppression - maybe even a major source. I don’t think Jews are responsible for racism in U.S. - the political, economic, and social system that oppresses African Americans and discriminates against them. But I do understand the factors that have convinced some black people that Jews are ‘the enemy’..
"If you take some of the history, if you take some of the attitudes about Jews that are shared with other members of the community, and if you take a group that has been quite successful, in the eyes of people who have not been terribly successful, you are the potential for tension.
“Also Jews and blacks live in some of the same areas like New York and there’ve been conflict between them. For many years Jews voted for liberal causes, now in New York Jews are becoming more conservative, they’re voting for things that blacks are not in favor of it and they’re helping to elect people who are not gonna do the kinds of things that black people would like to see done.
“Also the Black Muslims have been very openly anti-Semitic, and they often appeal to young people in particular, who are the worst off economically in this country and who respond to demagogues, just the way poor people in different times in history have responded to demagogues.
“So I guess, some of the reason for this has to do with just historical things, some of it has to do with things Jews have done, some of it has to do with typical attitudes of anti-semitism that some blacks share along with whites. You should ask some black people about it, maybe it’s interesting to hear what they have to say. It looks like you are the one who’ll fall asleep.”
“We have five more minutes of tape. Tell me why do you think a young Jewish person doesn’t want to recognize that he’s a Jew?”
“There’s still anti-Semitism in this country, and Jewish people have dealt with anti-Semitism in different ways. Some deny that they are Jews or keep it a secret, because they think that if people know that they are Jews, that would change what they think about them. A young person who’s ambitious, a young person who wants to move ahead in their profession might feel that if people know that he or she is Jewish that will prevent them from getting promoted. If there’re aren’t a lot of Jews in the community, a young single man might feel that it would be difficult for him to meet women if they know he’s Jewish, and it might be easier to meet somebody and if you have a good connection with them and you think that there’s some future for the relationship, then you can tell the person that you’re Jewish after they gotten to know you, but that if people know in the beginning that you’re Jewish they may not be interested. There are still many families, Christian families, particularly Protestant families, if they knew that their daughter or son were marrying a Jew would be very upset.
“This person may have had discovered in life that when people knew that they were Jewish it did in fact change things about their relationships, it did close some doors to them, it did make them less popular, it did mean that people couldn’t confide in them, it was an obstacle to becoming good friends with people. You’re always like an outsider, you never became the best friend, you never were taken into the inner community. There are lots of reasons why a young person who is Jewish might try to keep that from people.
“It also might be that they are ashamed of being Jewish. That kind of self hatred, or shame that often comes with coming from a community that the larger community thinks is inferior or somehow bad, you internalize those things. Where does that come from, why do we have a low self esteem? It comes from a lot of things but one of the things it can come from, is our racial background and all the messages you’ve gotten.
“It could be a combination for a person of that age, or even for a person older, there are very real reasons, the things I was describing do happen. But it also can be that a person, because they believe these things might happen, could be an obstruction to their own success, it will affect relationships, even if that’s not the case, a person may think that that’s the case, it may not want to take the chance that’s not gonna be the case... and you know, why tell somebody that you are Jewish, why put it out there? If people don’t ask, people don’t know.
“And you behave in ways that are not the way Jewish people are supposed to behave. So, if you go out to dinner with people, you make sure that nobody gets the impression that you’re cheap, so you pick up a check. Or you always make sure you pay for your share or you don’t order the cheapest things on the menu, or you make sure that you’re a good tipper. You don’t behave in ways that are stereotypes for Jews, I’m not sure what all that means. People often said to me when they found out that I was Jewish that ‘you don’t behave like a Jew,’ and then when I would ask them, which I usually do, ‘what do you mean, how Jews behave? How is it that I don’t behave?’ and usually they really had no answer, because they were surprised that I asked them that, and they were embarrassed to say. More often they didn’t know what they were talking about, there was just this notion that Jews somehow are different and that you’ll be able to see it when you will look at them, like if someone is gay you’ll be able to tell just by looking at them, which of course is also not true. And if they did say something, they generally said ‘Jews are cheap, and you’re not, you seem to spend money no problem, you are very generous and Jews are not like that. And the Jewish males are kind of nerdy, they’re kind of intellectuals, with glasses, they read a lot, they don’t play sports, they’re bookish, they’re accountants and doctors and they’re not real people, that play ball and drink beer, and smoke cigarettes and kid around and do the things that normal people do.’ And I’m not like that ’cause I drink and, I don’t smoke but I play ball, and I like sports and I kid around and somehow I just don’t behave the stereotype of Jews is for many, many people... I don’t know why your friend, specifically behaves the way he behaves but those are some of the reasons I think why he might behave that way... When I was in the army, I remember once the sergeant said to me, a sergeant who was Polish thought I was Polish, and because he thought I was Polish I got some special treatment, he gave me a free pass once to go home. I never told him I wasn’t Polish!”
“I mean, I didn’t feel like I needed to say ‘Oh, no, I’m not Polish, my father was from Poland but I’m Jewish!’ It was obvious to me that he knew I was Jewish I wouldn’t get that special treatment, and I figured, you know, why bother, what am I gonna gain by telling him I was Jewish? If he asked me, ‘are you Jewish?’ I would say, ’Yea, I’m Jewish’ but since he didn’t ask, and I’m in the South and I’m the only Jew in this whole battalion, and is a lot of anti-Semitism in the South, what’s to be gained by announcing that I’m a Jew? In the army if somebody didn’t like you, an officer or a sergeant, they could you to do stuff that wasn’t particularly pleasant. You could be getting kitchen duty, you couldn’t get time to get off, you had to work later hours, and if they were your superior you could do that. Why give people some information that’s going to result in their treating that way if you don’t have to, so in that regard, you know, I didn’t hide it, but I didn’t announce it.”
“What do you think will happen in the year of 2,000 and I don’t know what they say that the black population would be the majority.”
“Who said that?”
“Statistics.”
“Well.”
“What?”
“Not the blacks. By the year of 2,050 the majority of Americans will not be, will not trace their ancestry to Europe, so if you combine the non-European people who have been generally viewed as the minorities, that the minorities taken together will be a larger population than Europeans. But the Hispanic population would probably be larger than the African- American population and they are very different in many ways. The black population is now about 12% and probably by that time maybe 20%.”
“Well, nevertheless, what do you think it would happen? You said that the civil rights movement was followed by a disillusion... What will come if the proportions change?”
“This is not an easy answer. The short answer is that I think that the next 15 to 20 years this country will have to take a major turn to the left, not socialist, not communist but what I would call more humanistic community oriented society, where will be a significant distribution of wealth and power. Or would become - and this is just as possible, maybe more possible - would become a state that is increasingly violent, where there are people armed in the streets, where wealthy people will be putting walls around their homes, where poverty will increase, and there are a lot of things that would happen but it would not be a place to live, but a very dangerous, very unequal, unjust, very violent community. I think that that’s a real possibility. So that’s the short version. Which may be enough.”

 
Well, here you have it: If you’d like to throw a bit of money my way to keep my endeavors going, and also enable me to spread the money to my various causes, speaking up against racism being one of them, I’d be grateful.



April 6th, 2013
New York